Abuse Survivor Journal

Abuse Survivor journaL

identifying the abuse

I have experienced this

I have done this

examples of emotional abuse

Name calling such “You’re ugly” or “You’re stupid.” Frequently yelling or cursing Threatening or intimidating Frequently criticizing or correcting Lying or cheating Making accusations that you know are not true Patronizing Making fun of your family, religion or race Embarrassing or humiliating Withholding affection or approval as punishment Being overly controlling Insisting on making all the decisions Disregarding your feelings Making you feel guilty for something you can’t control “Joking” and sarcasm taken too far Insults of your appearance Belittling your accomplishments Put-downs of your interests Pushing your buttons Monitoring your whereabouts Digital spying Financial control Lecturing Angry outbursts Jealousy Denying something you know is true Using guilt and blaming Accusing you of abuse Trivializing Actively working to turn others against you Interrupting Calling you needy Saying you have no sense of humor when your feelings are hurt Coming between you and your family Keeping you from socializing Dehumanizing you Shutting down communication

Treating you like a child Giving you direct orders

identifying the abuse

I have experienced this

I have done this

examples of physical abuse

Punching Hitting Slapping

Spitting Kicking

Strangling Restraining Burning

Scalding Stabbing Head butting Biting Squeezing Shoving Suffocating Pushing Grabbing Choking Throwing you around Breaking bones Using weapons Poisoning Throwing things at you

Force feeding Attempts to kill Reckless driving Pulling hair

Grabbing your face to make you look at them Grabbing you to prevent you from leaving Backing you into a corner Pinning you down Holding you captive Breaking down a door to get to you Preventing you from eating or sleeping Locking you out of the house

Abandoning you in dangerous places Keeping you from getting medical care Refusing to help you when you are sick, injured or pregnant Stalking

identifying the abuse

I have experienced this

I have done this

examples of sexual abuse

Forcing sex Demanding sex Unwanted touching Name-calling with sexual epithets Forcing you to engage in prostitution or pornography Forcing you to have sex with other people Insisting on anything sexual that frightens or hurts you Refusing to use safe sex practices Preventing you from using birth control Controlling your decisions about pregnancy Withholding sex as a form of control Videotaping or photographing sexual acts without your permission Forcing you to watch someone masturbate Sending unwanted obscene texts/phone calls /messages Deliberately causing pain during sex Using sexually degrading insults Sexual jokes Using sex to coerce compliance Verbal comments about your body or clothes Pressuring you to have sex Spreading sexual rumors about you Displaying obscene hand or mouth gestures Leering or staring at your body Spying on you while in the bathroom/shower/changing clothes Pinching, grabbing, holding on to you Making you feel guilty when you don’t want to have sex Forcing you to touch yourself Performing sexual acts on you while you’re sleeping or unconscious Repeated unwanted sexual attention Prostituting or trafficking you

abuse symptoms scale

not much like me

a lot like me

a little like me

detached symptoms

not me

I feel detached from other people around me

4

3

2

1

I have lost interest in important social activities

4

3

2

1

I have lost interest in my job

4

3

2

1

I have lost interest in my hobbies

4

3

2

1

I avoid activities or places that remind me of the abuse

4

3

2

1

I avoid people or conversations that remind me of the abuse

4

3

2

1

I have difficulty being around my friends & family

4

3

2

1

I try to avoid feelings that remind me of the abuse

4

3

2

1

Detached symptoms total: ______

not much like me

a lot like me

a little like me

physical symptoms

not me

I have frequent headaches

4

3

2

1

I am jumpy if startled by sudden noises

4

3

2

1

I have recurring panic attacks

4

3

2

1

I often have an upset stomach

4

3

2

1

I am experiencing a decrease or increase of appetite

4

3

2

1

I am tired a lot of the time

4

3

2

1

I frequently have a dry mouth or throat

4

3

2

1

I often feel anxious

4

3

2

1

Physical symptoms total: ______

abuse symptoms scale

not much like me

a lot like me

a little like me

cognitive symptoms

not me

I think about the abuse a lot of the time

4

3

2

1

I get mental pictures of the abuse without being reminded of it

4

3

2

1

I am unable to remember parts of the abuse

4

3

2

1

I am unable to remember my life during the abuse

4

3

2

1

I have sudden flashbacks of the abuse

4

3

2

1

I have difficulty falling asleep

4

3

2

1

I relive the abuse in my mind

4

3

2

1

I have a hard time concentrating

4

3

2

1

Cognitive symptoms total: ______

not much like me

a lot like me

a little like me

emotional symptoms

not me

I feel emotionally numb

4

3

2

1

I feel guilty about the abuse

4

3

2

1

I have bad dreams and nightmares

4

3

2

1

I get emotionally upset when I think about the abuse

4

3

2

1

I don’t know who to trust

4

3

2

1

I am on guard most of the time

4

3

2

1

I am irritable a lot of the time

4

3

2

1

I have feelings of hopelessness

4

3

2

1

Emotional symptoms total: ______

abuse symptoms scale Transfer your totals to the spaces below.

Detached symptoms total: Physical symptoms total: Cognitive symptoms total: Emotional symptoms total:

Total scores

Result

Indication

You have many of the symptoms of extreme stress. You need to do much more to eliminate some of the stress in your life.

HIGH

25-32

You have some of the symptoms of extreme stress. You need to do more to eliminate some of the stress in your life.

MODERATE

16-24

You may not have any or you may have few of the symptoms of extreme stress. You may not need to do anything if you have a very low score, or it may help you to do a little to eliminate some stress in your life.

LOW

8-15

What are some steps you can take to eliminate some of this stress?

how abuse has affected me how I see myself before abuse

after abuse

My body

My confidence

My respect for myself

My choices

My independence

My concentration

My ability to solve problems

My future

My worth & value

My purpose

My reputation & image

My ability to love

My ability to trust

My ability to forgive

My ability to be loved

My relationships

self - esteem assessment

Do you feel worthless, bad, dirty or ashamed?

Do you constantly criticize yourself?

Do you find it difficult to feel good about yourself, or compliment yourself?

Do you feel tainted by what has happened to you in the past?

Do you blame yourself for other peoples’ choices?

Do you believe other people are more important than you?

thoughts on being abused These are some common thoughts of abuse victims. Indicate how often (if ever) you have these thoughts.

thoughts

never

rarely

sometimes

often

“It was my fault” “I did something wrong” “I should have been able to stop it” “I should be punished” “I deserved it” “I don’t know what to do” “Nobody understands how I feel” “I wish I could hurt the person who abused me”

“I thought he/she cared about me” “I don’t understand why it happened”

“I don’t want to talk about it”

“There was nothing I could do to stop it”

“I should have told sooner”

“Why did this happen to me”

“They didn’t mean to hurt me”

“They had no right to hurt me”

“I’ll never be able to forgive”

“I cannot trust anyone”

What are some other thoughts you have?

traumatic bonding Sometimes people form bonds with the person who abused them. Read each statement below and indicate how often you experience each situation. never rarely sometimes often I obsess over people who hurt me. I continue to seek contact with people who hurt me. I go out of my way to help those who hurt me I continually give second chances

I trust people who have continually failed me I’m unable to leave unhealthy relationships I’m loyal to those who betrayed me I defend & cover up for those who hurt me I’m constantly telling friends/family that they’re wrong about my relationships I keep destructive secrets in order to protect those who hurt me I try to be understood by someone that doesn’t care I continue attempts to get someone to like me who is clearly only using me I continue the relationships with the abuser who acknowledges no responsibility I have repetitive, destructive fights with the abuser I overlook someone’s abuse because of their charm, talents, etc. I have a hard time detaching from someone even though I don’t like them I’m attracted to dangerous people My friends/family often warn me of a relationship, but I don’t listen My relationships involve constant broken promises, and I’m asked to overlook them I keep destructive secrets about my abuser because of his/her career or position I find myself missing and longing for a relationship that was very destructive to me I stay in a relationship longer than I should

letter to the abuser

How I feel about what you did to me:

How your abuse has affected my life:

What I want to say to you:

When I think of you:

My question for you:

If I ever see you again:

notes

notes